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Intense.

Someone said I was intense, when I write. At least she said it was in a “good way”; but I can’t help thinking that I have been holding back just a bit. I’ve spent so much of my life, working, trying to build out the semblance of a career. The passion I have for my career; is easily defined as intense. The irony is that, in that time, I have forsaken the desire for a relationship. I’ve largely ignored it, and when I thought it was a good idea, it was basically too late. I was equally intense in that realm too, I forgotten that balance… until now.

Stunning & Sweetness.

I think in the last month-ish, I have learned more about cookware, than I have event thought. Sure, I’ve always known that the old All-Clad set was kickass, and I loved it, but things are changing. I have a new kitchen, new house, being rebuilt with my blood and sweat; it’s something to be proud of. Sure it’s taking longer time than I expected, but I can say again, squarely, it’s my place. It’s the travel; my excuse for taking so long, but I’m starting to realize that this person may actually be able to deal with my travel.

I’m learning more about myself.

So, I am left desiring to come home, more anxiously than I have ever have; looking to get the things I want done, to make time. I can’t help feeling like I am blessed; but moreover, I can’t shake the feeling that I want to be a blessing for someone, who is pure Sweetness.

It’s amazing what you can see, if you just take a step back, and just watch the mayhem, the bad decisions, and the constant lack of common sense.

Of course from my point of view, I don’t know what I can say…

Ever watch a train wreck, and you just keep watching, in amazement, how things could literally turn out a certain way.

Oh, oh, oh!
Let’s go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let’s go fly a kite!

The above is from Mary Poppins…

I’m sitting here stuck at SFO, it’s 3am, and all I can think about, is flying a kite.  I am more simple then I admit, I just want to find someone to care for, to share in the simple Sundays, to be loved by someone who just wants to be right here.

You get subtle hints, but when there is the clear statement that you aren’t making someone happy, what do you do?

Do you try to fix it?  What if there is nothing to fix, what if it’s just you?

Maybe I’m too old to keep trying, no matter how important it might be.  Decisions have consequences, and perhaps it’s time for me to stop, and walk away.  I should keep telling myself that “it wouldn’t have worked out anyway…” Of course the correct path is to blame myself, it’s not anyone else’s fault, rhyme or reason. 

I have to start pulling myself away from her, clearly someone else is bringing joy, and that means I didn’t do my best to show that I could do the same.  I’m always one step behind, always taking a backseat, I’m always late. 

That’s who I am, I just pick up the slack, the leftovers.  I don’t really mind it anymore, I never wanted to be recognized at work for my deeds, or my personal life.    

I’m not even that social anymore, there isn’t anything interesting that would keep people around.  My life revolves around being at airports, airplanes, hotels and working all day and night. 

I like serving others, I like walking into a situation, and fixing problems, finding solutions, but that can only take me so far. That used to bring me so much joy, but there is no reward.  It’s hard to be the one that jumps in, then once I’ve outlived my usefulness, I am just forgotten.

The few times I have asked for something, something I really want, I have come to realize that it’s not worth asking, because it leads to rejection.

I just need to keep my head low, keep working hard, maybe it will pay off.  That’s all I really have left to look forward to.

I don’t believe in Karma, I can’t.  It goes against the idea of Grace.  If Grace is the concept that we are rewarded, even if we don’t deserve it, then Karma makes no sense. Karma is doing a good thing, then it’s expected that good things should come our way.

Grace is the inherent love we share with others.  That we care for others, because we need not seek a reward, but just the knowing that there isn’t any other way to treat another person.

As I look at a conversation with a friend who denied me, I find myself lacking the Grace to understand why.  Perhaps I was seeking a Karma laden answer, but perhaps things are exactly what they are supposed to be.  I must have the faith to believe everything is supposed to have happened this way; as difficult and painful as it may be.

I meditated today, first time in a long time, listening/seeking/praying for an explanation. The realization, that I am still not worthy, that I don’t deserve even the blessings that have rained on me. I lost the humility, and humanity that made me a friend to others. That I am imperfect in so many ways. I forgot that all I am is all derived from Grace, and Grace alone.

If I choose to walk away? It would be the simple answer.

I just wasn’t good enough from the beginning, in this case; I never will be.

Do you ever just do something nice for another person, for the heck of it? Open a door for someone else, volunteer at a shelter? Maybe cook food at a food kitchen? Do you expect a reward?

It’s eas.. actually… I’ll come back to this post later…

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Regrets are a hazard in my business; when tomorrow is a new city, one can be lost in the thoughts of missing out on the most important events, smothered by what could have been. 

“What is happening now, is exactly what it should, I am suppose to be here, right here, at this very second.”

Airport terminals, flights, hotels, rental cars, I have spend the last 4 years, living out of a suitcase, and for that reason alone, I have no regrets, because I don’t know what I should be regretting.  Is it the opportunity to spend time with loved ones, friends or colleagues?  Perhaps I have been making excuses, pretending I have been too busy to make time, when instead, I have plenty of time to spend.

Whatever the case might be, there is always hope, if not for the potential that once was, a new closer friendship might arise.  Truthfully, of all things, I like all other human beings, desire to be wanted and needed. 

over the course of the last 12 months, I have taken a flying leap in terms of what I expected to be doing.  I’m rather taken back by how much more I am able; if only by the realization that through proper encouragement, you really can rise beyond potential. 

have you ever been challenged, in terms of what you felt were your skills?  it’s amazing how people can take even the most difficult of situations, and take pride in their work.  i think the most successful people, are the ones that can go home each day, and say they are proud of their accomplishments.  sure, you can claim to have an awesome car, have spent all that time, being independent, and not allowing others to work with you, but in the end, what do you have to say for yourself?

why do so many people want to stand alone?

it’s silly, because you really do end up alone, without anyone around to share in the fruits of your work.  some of the strongest people I have met, have also been the ones that have the more baron personal lives.  they are older, still single, and not realizing that in their vain of being the best, they have forgotten to let others know they still care about friends and family. 

so what does this have to do with invention?  in the sense that we all rise to be better people, and when challenged, we excel.  i challenge you to not only be a winner, to be great, but to do so, with friends and family, coworkers and all others to cheer you on.  you know what you need to do, to win the hearts of your peers.  win them over, and any accomplishment is not only yours, but of those around you too.

That’s not the weather report where I’m going, it’s going to be worse, Boston in the winter is where I’m going.

It’s nice to know that as much as things change, they stay the same. I’ve been at the same job for just about four years now; my job has changed a lot since I joined. Here I am, flying to Boston; about to make waves again, and get a new program launched. If success is measured by how many people one has impacted, then my team are gods among men.

A long time ago, just after college, I decided that I wouldn’t be the conventional person; I wouldn’t follow rules, or expectations. This has led me into a life I didn’t expect, as most people never do. I was on radio once, I’ve been in the local newspaper, and I’ve been on top of the Columbia Tower. I’ve been to every state for work, except Hawaii (still trying to get a store visit there). I personally like Alaska, great place to visit, and love the food.

I work long days, and nights.

With all that… I still go the symphony almost every month. I enjoy wine, so much so, the new house; I’m converting a den into a wine cellar. I still volunteer each year with high school’ers whom enjoy classical language and literature. I still enjoy the viewfinder of my camera. I will give my time, my today; to make sure someone else has a brighter smile tomorrow.

I do all this, because I’m selfish. I want to be out there, slaving away to kick things into gear, I want to fix things. Over the years, I have earned a reputation as quiet, diligent, thinker; but when all said and done, I want to be the rock people can always rely on.